Archive for December, 2016

Hillary Clinton – just because

December 29, 2016

Hill finally returned my call. She made me wait an hour. Is she out of her mind? She started to stutter out an apology but I cut her off and gave her both barrels.

“Hill, I sent you to Foggy Bottom as a favor to Bill. He said he needed, um, I mean you needed to get out of the house. Yes, I know you were in the Senate. That’s not the point! The point is, I’m out of Cohibas and its your fault. Do you expect me to smoke Hondurans?? You assured me that the next diplomatic pouch from Ottawa would have my Cubans in it. Jesus Christ! That’s the reason we have an embassy in Canada, Hill! Hasn’t anyone explained that to you yet? Ever since you took over the entire system has broken down. People are calling it Soggy Bottom cuz it stinks! Get me my cigars! Send Bo’s plane. He’s not using it.

“Another thing, why didn’t you show up for your date with Kim Jong-il? I promised him a date with a First Lady and Laura is shacked up in a Cabana in Dallas, with some Swedish tennis pro. I need you at the plate for this one, Hill. Do you want that little pecker head lighting off another one of his junior fart bombs? I don’t care if he creeps you out! Take a couple of Xanax with some JD. That’s what Laura does. I don’t care what it takes, but you get your ass over there and “love him long time” or I’ll find a Secretary of State who will, are we clear?” Click!.

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George W. Bush in Dallas

December 29, 2016

George W. Bush in Dallas

Kucklehead called me the other day to chat. I call him Knucklehead Smiff. Really, even in my official correspondence he’s “Knucklehead Smiff”, I don’t even have to footnote it. Everyone knows who I’m talking about.

When we first talked about running him with Cheney, the others wanted to call it the Winchell/Mahoney ticket. I put the kibosh on that right away. G.W. is always going to be Knucklehead Smiff to me.

His daddy, Bonehead, and mine go way back. But that’s another story.

Anyhoo, it seems that since they moved to Dallas, Laura hasn’t been home very much. Knucklehead says she been playing tennis a lot and is taking lessons from Bjorn, the club Pro.

I belong to that club,. We have these awesome cabanas there with heat, A/C, running water, a kitchenette, and a king size waterbed. Knucklehead says Laura has been spending most nights in their cabana cuz she’s too tired to drive home after “playing” with Bjorn. Poor Knucklehead. Still clueless after all of these years.

Dems Lose in Viginia and NJ, day after election day

December 29, 2016

Dems lose in VA and NJ

I got a frantic call from Rahm at 0230 this morning, on the direct line. “OMG! OMG! Red, Bo’s losing it! Please, get dressed and get downstairs. I’ve got four of the Suburbans on the way over to pick you up!” I yawned and said, “What’s he up to now, Rahm?”

“He’s in the Gym! He’s climbed on top of one of the basketball nets and he’s just sitting up there, moaning! Michelle thinks he might jump!” I shook my head and chuckled . “This is what you do. Put one of those wrestling mats that Knucklehead used (Knucklehead liked to wrestle. He called it “rasslin”) under him in case he falls. I don’t think he’ll jump. See if you can get him to put his mouth guard in. We’ve got to protect those teeth. Then get some of the bigger boys from the Detail down there with a ladder and have them bring him down. They know what to do. Knucklehead did the same thing at least twice a month. Then give him a couple of Xanax and some JD. That’ll calm him down. And, turn those Suburbans around , for Christ’s sake! I don’t want them waking up my neighbors, again.” I hung up on him and went back to bed.

EPA attorneys say Cap-and-Trade won’t work

December 29, 2016

EPA attorneys say Cap-and-Trade won’t work

Nancy called me about this. I kept her on hold for 10 minutes. Ever since I had her made Speaker she’s been acting like her poop don’t smell. Let me tell you something. I know for a fact that it does. I went into the Member’s Only powder room right after her, once. Never again! Christ, I nearly fell over! My eyes were watering. I had to use the regular men’s room. The one for the “Public”. That was almost as bad as the powder room, but that’s normal.

When I finally picked up the phone her panties were really in a bunch (not really, she wear’s a thong). She immediately started crying about “traitors” and “breaking ranks” and, “in my own District?”. I tuned her right out. My thoughts hearkened to a simpler time, back in the 60’s. Nancy and I were at a Dead show, at Golden Gate Park, tripping balls. We had this awesome window pane that I got from Kesey. I’m telling ya, ol’ Nanc and me, we saw God that day. She told me later that He looked like me. I thought so, too.

“…and will you ask Rahm to put those two on Bo’s enemies list?” she squawked into the phone, interupting my reverie. “Sure Nanc. Next time he calls I’ll mention it to him,” I replied before I hung up.

Did I tell you about that week she and I “christened” every desk in the Senate Chamber? It was during the Christmas recess and…There’s the phone…gotta go!

Response to a blog responder’s threats

December 29, 2016

 

Don’t worry about this, dear readers. I’ve a niece working in Bobby Mueller’s office. She sees everything before he does. I’ve already instructed her to delete or toss anything she sees related to IHTM. I’ve had nieces working in that office for years, haha!.

BTW, if you ever see me out on the town with a leggy, young girl with big, um, eyes, she’s my niece, OK? I’ve got nieces all over this town, LOL!!

Cuban punk rocker (who knew?)

December 29, 2016

Gorki Águila

Raul called me and asked me what to do with the guy. “Raul, I’m gonna tell you the same thing that I told Fidel, when he called. Take him over to the Malecon, hand him an inner-tube and say, “Adios amigo”.

Regarding Reverend Wright

December 29, 2016

I told Bo that this was gonna come back and bite him on the ass. He likes to be called “Bo”. He thinks it sounds macho. I guess his gramma never read him that Bannerman book, but I digress.

Rahm called me and asked, “what should they do?” “Rahm, its just like I told Cheney with the FBI, play dumb. I know he knows how to do that. Just have him flash that big phony smile, that I paid for, and read whats on the prompter. I’ll gin something up and messenger it over to you in an hour or so. Make sure that prompter works this time!” Then I hung up on him. I’ve got a funny story about Rahm, but it’ll have to wait for another time.

Whaaaa! Republican congressman mocks Democrats, calls them crybabies

December 29, 2016

Whaaaa! Republican congressman mocks Democrats, calls them crybabies

Rep. Steve LaTourette (R-OH)

I wrote this speech for Stevie. I’m grooming the guy for a few deals and needless to say, he needs help. So, I called him in for a meeting. Fortunately, for him, this time he remembered the soup.

“Stevie,” I began, “you’ve been in this town since ’94 and nobody knows who you are. You know they throw these one minute speech parties in the Chamber after the cleaners leave, don’t you? I know they don’t invite you but I’ll get you in. Now, here’s your speech. I wrote it so you know its great. I want you to go home and practice, practice practice. Make sure you can do it in a minute and remember, ENUNCIATE! Here’s a couple of hundred bucks. Go down to Bernie’s Big and Tall get get yourself a new suit. A blue one. Make sure you wear a clean shirt. And shave! This isn’t Lake County boy, this is D.C.! ”

Well, he still hasn’t shaved but the boy gave a great speech. I’m proud of him.

Al Gore

December 29, 2016

Junior is a moron, plain and simple. Al Sr. was a real old school, southern gentleman though. It’s a shame Junior has become such an embarrassment to the family. I’m sure glad his daddy is not around to see it. The poor man would die of shame.

Once, up on the Hill, Junior came into one of the Members Only men’s rooms, while I was taking a leak. He stood at the urinal next to me and started yapping about some corn bread Tipper had made the night before. He went on and on about that corn bread and how delicious it was and what a great cook Tipper is and yada, yada, yada. He never noticed that I pissed on his Cole Haans.

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL)

December 29, 2016

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL)

This loser has been trying to get a meeting with me ever since he hit town. What a dweeb! The smartest thing he’s done is co-sponsor H.R. 1207, Ron Paul’s bill to audit the Fed. I love it when he’s grilling helicopter hat Benny. Still, he’s a pin head and everyone knows it.

Its hard to believe that he graduated summa cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard, with honors from the Harvard Law School, has a masters in public policy from the John F. Kennedy School of Government and completed all the course work and passed the general exams for a Ph.D. in government (to lazy to write that dissertation, huh Allyboy?). Talk about a chronic over-achiever? Give me a break.

Well, he’s worth over 31 million dollars. There’s only 11 more dudes up on the Hill that have more money than him. Was 12 when I was there.

I’ll make him cool his heels for the next few weeks before I have him into my office. But, if he doesn’t have a quart of steaming Senate Bean Soup in his hands, when he gets here, then he’s going right back out to the street, on his ass. They know how much I love that soup.